Sunday, March 13, 2011

Belching For Dollars The Lala Way

by James Jarvis

I’m working for a company run by Mor- mons now. Everyone is a Mormon except me and one sales guy who is a “born-againChristian (apparently one birth was not traumatic enough for him).

These Mormons are as quirky as the Scientologists for whom I used to work. The Scientologists wouldn't let me wear deodorant to work. Belching is the big thing with the Mormons. They pride themselves on volume and duration, attaching some sort of sexual orgasmic connotation to this bodily function.

You think I exaggerate. I actually overheard one girl tell the Vice President that his operatic Moose belch from Pepsi hell made her wet. All wet. How do I find these whacky employers? I know, I know. What did I expect working in LaLaLand?

After I piss off the Mormons, I think I’ll go hunt up some Columbian Voodoo-Practicing Cross-Dressing Santaria Hollywood Flatulators to work for and maybe bring some sanity back into my life.

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