Saturday, March 05, 2011

Pumping Glass and Looking Pretty In My Imaginary Delux-o-matic LazyBoy





by James Jarvis
from My Arcology

  I saw my reflection in the crack motel laundry room window tonight and noticed my breasts have stopped sagging. They're firm and perky again! My nipples were pushing out against my cotton tee shirt! When did this happen? Must be my $6.75 an hour exercise program at the Arco.

     I checked my resting/standing pulse: 60. Sixty? That can't be right. I've been chain-smoking for 28 years now. I just lugged two loads of funkalicious laundry out here to the washers. I shouldn't have a 60. That's athletic pulse. Must be the 40 ouncers. I pump cases of 40 ounce beer every day at the Arco.

    My pot belly is still there, big as ever. Bigger. That thing's got a life of its own. Nothing to do with me, really, except that it makes it hard for me to bend forward and tie my shoes. The last time I weighed myself (what year was that?), I weighed 250 pounds. I think I look bigger now, except that some of my fat is not sagging like it used to.

    My numbness is 90 percent gone. I can feel most of my right thumb again and my right leg feels great. Maybe it was just one of those little strokes that numbified me a few months ago. My daily diet of raw garlic and apple vinegar must be doing the trick . . . not to mention all that pumping glass, humping cases of soda, trash-hauling and occasional floor mopping.

    I still lead a sedentary lifestyle. When I'm not humping beer for Arco, I'm lounging on my broken crack motel room barcolounger, daydreaming about the LazyBoy National recline-a-thon and about what a lovely life I would have if I could afford to buy myself one of THOSE bad boys. I saw a picture in a magazine once about a LazyBoy recliner that had a food storage area built into one armrest and a laptop tray connector built into the other and a back massager built into the back. Man on man, if dreams could fly, mine would fly over to the nearest authorized LazyBoy retailer for a ride on the Delux-o-matic.

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