Monday, March 07, 2011

Introducing My New Credit Manager

by James Jarvis
from Offline Journal Of The Damned

    I told the manager of my crack motel room residence my story about the reluctant textbook harassers at the Pregnant Welfare Mother fundraider over at El Camino College and he told me that he, Don, used to own a collection agency.

    "What you should do," Don said, "Is call them back and tell them that you are sending your credit manager, Helen Waite, to talk to them."

    "Helen Waite?"

    "Yeah, " he said, "Tell 'em that from now on, they can just go to Helen Waite."

    "Ooooooh. Hell 'n wait. Helen Waite. Yeah. I'm going to use her from now on."

    No sooner had I came back to my room than I got a call from Imperial Collection Agency of Wilmington, Delaware about the three grand they'll never see from me. They guy was loud talking something or other ( I really wasn't paying much attention. I was lighting a cigarette, waiting for the right moment to use my new credit manager joke) when the guy said:

    "Now will you be able to make a substantial payment or should I perform an INVOLUNTARY extraction, James?"

    "Involuntary extraction," I answered immediately without hint of hesitation. I could tell my answer took him aback. Apparently, nobody had opted for the Involuntary Extraction before. There was a pause....

    "But, but, but we don't WANT to have to do an involuntary-----" he backtracked.

    "INVOLUNTARY EXTRACTION!" I insisted, "I've never seen one of those. Can I be there for that?" And I hung up.

     I'd like to see how they involuntarily extract a dime from my turnip. What's the old saying? You can't get blood from a sugar beet?

    So then the Imperial collection agency called me again.

    "That was cute, James. Listen, since you're they type of guy who likes conning people out of their money, why don't you con some sucker out of the three thousand dollars you owe WFS and pay them?"

    "Okay," I said, "You sound like a sucker. How 'bout YOU loaning me the money?" And hung up.
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