Work Product

I have concocted so many different types and styles of resumes that I have begun to think of the things as “work product.” And, since I used to be a journalist a couple of times, a journalist who wrote press releases on such goofy subjects as military officers’ dinners, teacher beatification and changes in notary public statutes, I figured “what the hell, some of these resume ideas deserve a press release!”

PRESS RELEASE

NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT # 1

Just in time for the post holidays, Marquisdejolie is proud to unveil his new and improved "Post Holiday Resume" now made with real shards of glass embedded in the fiber, instead of plain bond paper! Available in two unique versions!

You'll never be able to "feel" the holidays are the same again!

NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT # 2

POST HOLIDAY RESUMES ARE BACK, JUST IN TIME FOR THE POST HOLIDAY DEPRESSION SUICIDE SEASON!

At long last, job searcher Marquisdejolie is proud to unveil his new and improved "Post Holiday Resume" now made with real glass, instead of cotton fiber thread.

That's right, his "Post Holiday Resumes" are now fashioned using the EXTREMELY rare silici dioxide compound*, fused at very high temperatures with borates or phosphates.

If you're ever tempted to see a resume as a convenience to the prospective employer instead of as a mere duty, you've got a psychological problem AND a thinking problem. Fortunately for you, our new and improved versions of the "Post Holiday Resume" can put an end to both problems simultaneously

On one side, the glass shards grab the readers hands as the contents grab his imagination. On the other face, it boldly declares itself a "Post Holiday Resume".

Including a treasured sleeve to cover the working wounded, the "Post Holiday Resume" really does make everything that Human Resources personnel handles "feel" the agony you feel that you are unemployed!

New Features Include:
• Significantly Increased Friction (for easier scarring!)
• Increased Weight (for greater wrist strain by the mail load!)
• Increased Readability (it sparkles the eye as it infects the blood.) It mean more time holding it, and more holding time means more reading time, increased nervousness at dismissing it, anxiety over not responding to it and irritability for the HR's boss as law suits mount!
• Reduced Complexity (the resume now include the words 'Post Holiday Resume" on them, so that even dolts will think it's a joke and not the weapon it is.

And now, the "Post Holiday Resume" is available in TWO Unique Models!

(1) The Post Holiday Resume (Entry level model) is fine meshed glass on white paper, and is recommended for low barriers to employment.

(2) The Post Holiday Resume (Executive Edition) Our highest end model adds a touch of true elegance by having the ink itself beautifully shine into the dog-eyed Human Resource manager's eyes, and with subtle bevels of fine shards of glass, dig deeper into her delicate hands themselves. Once available only to Enron executives, it is now available to the public for a limited time. Recommended only for the most discerning and/or hardened felons among you. ($19.95)

** DISCLAIMER: The entry level "Post Holiday Resume' is not compatible for use with cheap ink using Xerox or printers. Users of either should consider adding acid into the ink that will etch the impression into the glass and paper, respectively, to ensure compatibility.
*** found on beaches and in deserts, only on the planet Earth.
****And probably Mars. But certainly not anywhere else in the Universe.

Tags: work product, resumes, post holiday resumes, beatification, notary public, press release, new product announcement, plain bond paper, holiday depression, suicide season, HR, human resources, reduced complexity, disclaimer, jarvis, marquisdejolie, factotum, lubbard, slacker