I Win

I win!

The luxury apartment complex where I am working as a security guard complained to my employer before I was ever assigned there that none of the security guards wrote detailed Daily Activity Reports, which the apartment complex manager read every morning.

Every morning she would read a report that basically said: "I comes. I sitted. Ate hours later, I lefted."

So when they sent me out there, they explained this complaint to me and asked if I could write better D.A.R.s.

Oh, they didn't know who they were talking to, did they? I could write a whole chapter on the act of taking a piss. For example:

"Approached the Casa De Toro party room men's room located on the northeastern end of the apartment complex property at approximately 2215 hours with the intention of examining the possibilities of evacuating my bladder. Observed that the door mentioned previously was unlocked and unsecured. Entered and investigated the Casa De Toro party room men's room for signs of trespassers or resident habitation. Found no signs of resident habitation or trespassers and began the process of evacuating my bladder in the customary manner by grabbing the zipper handle at the top portion of my regulation security officer pants and manipulating the tab in a downward motion to unzip my pants. Then I . . .well, you know (as Paul Harvey says) the rest of the story."

Or I could've written: "2215: Pissed."

So my first night at Casa De Toro I wrote three pages of D.A.R.s My supervisor was ecstatic. I wrote three pages the next night and the next.

When I started turning in 4 page reports, my supervisor said he was going to put me up for promotion.

When I started turning in six pages of reports, all of them basically taking six pages to report that nothing at all happened during my shifts, I thought my supervisor was going to wet his pants he was so happy.

When I started turning in seven pages of D.A.R.s every night to report nothing happened, my supervisor came on to the post and said I was doing such a great job that I could watch the large screen TV in the apartment complex's party room.

"It's got cable and a DVD player," he said, "Go ahead. Watch it for a couple of hours. Go down to the 7-11 and get some popcorn. Enjoy yourself a little, buddy!"

When I started turning in eight page D.A.R.s reporting all is well, my supervisor suggested I bring a change of clothes to use the complex's jacuzzi and sauna. He said I should also bring an alarm clock and catch a few hours of sleep if I wanted to.

Man, oh man, that supervisor was PLYING me privileges he was so happy with my volume. The whole apartment complex was my oyster. He mentioned that doing my laundry at the Casa De Toro laundry rooms would save me time from my off hours. He suggested washing my car using Casa De Toro supplies.

Last night, my supervisor arrived at my post with a sad face.

"The apartment manager complained," he said sadly, "She asks if you can write a little less in your reports. She says she doesn't have time every day to read nine pages of D.A.R.s."

I win! I get paid for doing my laundry, sleeping, watching a big screen TV and soaking up the good life in the Jacuzzi during my work shift and now I don't even have to write much more of a report than: I came. I sat. Eight hours later I left.

Tags: SECO Security, daily activity report, security guard, security, D.A.R., evacuating my bladder, Casa De Villa, unsecured restroom, zipper, Paul Harvey, jacuzzi guard, security supervisor, paid for doing my laundry, paid for sleeping, soaking up the good life, guarding a luxury apartment complex, Sucko Security, jarvis, marquisdejolie, factotum, Culver City