I’m obsessing on this resume thing. I sent eighteen out yesterday, each one different than the others. I sent out short resumes and tall ones. I sent out functional resumes and dysfunctional ones. I sent out traditional chronological resumes and metaphysically analogous ones. It all began to seem a lot of work to me until I finally came up with the solution.
First, the problem. You've always got to define the problem before you can begin to work on the solution. The problem is that I’m doing a lot of work on these resumes and my prospective employers are doing none. Nothing but maybe reading my resumes. That doesn’t seem fair. The lazy bastards. Why can’t they carry some of my resume load?
Aha! They can! Eureka! I’ve got it!! The solution to my problem is to write a Chain Resume! Yes! Let those lazy bastard prospective employers make copies of my resume and send it to five other lazy bastard prospective employers who make copies and . . .
Wait a minute. The lazy bastard prospective employers aren’t going to keep my Chain resume alive out of the goodness of their hearts. Hah! And I can’t bribe them with good fortune for not breaking the chain. They already have more good fortune than they deserve. That’s the definition of lazy bastard prospective employers.
Okay. I’ve got it. I’ll threaten them. Future employers respond best to threats. Didn’t work so well on my past employers, but they were stupid. They didn’t think I would really do it.
But I did. Ask Downtown Type. I killed it. Ask Characters And Color. Dead. Ask Anderson Printing. Long Gone. Ask Amore. Amore's Dragon Lady is STILL hiding in Maui. Ask Pacific Coast Entertainment. They threw all their office equipment into a rented Uhaul and hauled ass in the middle of the night to avoid me. Ask West Coast Entertainment. I popped ‘em like a zit.
That’s it! I'll send out a Chain Resume and list all the past employers that I’ve run out of town and threaten to do the same to my lazy bastard prospective employers if they break the chain! One of ‘em might even hire me just to keep from doing all the paperwork on my Chain resume!
I’m a genius!
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