Wednesday, March 02, 2011

A Three Foot Kindness Rewritten in Creepbonics


by James Jarvis
from Life With Creepy The Soap Fondler

  After having rewritten all of my roommate's book reports and essays for his classes at El Camino College, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of his writing techniques. Not to be mocking or superior, but to give you a better understanding of just how much work I have to put in to rewriting his essays, I have rewritten my story "A Three Foot Kindness" as if my roommate was writing it as a college essay. I promise I'm not exaggerating here:

    "A little girl. Her name we have the knowledge of used to be Ema. The seeing of her occurs precipitous on the days in which we do. James took her. To the dumpster she was precipitous going and he wented with her. There was garbage, too. Sometimes she come precipitous to the door. Her apartment is filthy with the grandmother in which she stays and the grandfather. I give her the candy which she takes cutily."

    My roommate will hand something very near akin to this to me and declare his genius . . .and demand that I stretch it out to three typewritten pages.
    "Just fill it in," he says, "I've done all the hard work."

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