Sunday, March 13, 2011

My REAL Resume


My electronic resume is emailing me some strange matches lately. I might have to revise it. But I wonder what would happen if I wrote a brutally honest resume. What kind of matches would I get if I sent them the truth?

MY REAL RESUME
(Jobs listed in reverse chronological order)
Content Creator----Google
Revver Videologist----Viral video editing
Bum---self explanatory
Concierge----Azures Management, Marina del Rey
Movie Star Sycophant----L'ermitage Hotel, Beverly Hills
Couch Guard----Sucko Security, securing luxury couches for sleeping
Arco Stock boy----Beer humper. Some cash register.
Day Laborer----Driving auction cars, squeezing Starbucks caramel bags, riding garbage trucks.
Homeless Gypsy Cabby----Driving call girls and strippers to their appointments.
Dog House Sitter----Care and feeding of a Russian mastiff in HIS home
CEO, COO, Star Media Productions----Administrator
Computer Consultant----Systems Maintenance and Installation
Escort Agency Collector----Bag man duties.
Bag Man----Contract negotiations. Loan shark enforcer.
Self Employed----Loan shark.
Self Employed----Manager of floating poker games.
Political Speech Writer----Nate Holden Campaign
Self Employed----Freelance graphic artist.
Pre-Press Operator----Computer pre-press.
Magazine Editor----National Notary Magazine
Graphic Artist----Computer graphic arts.
Civil Service----Aircraft mechanic.
Editor----News magazine.
Publisher----Underground newspaper.
Security Guard----Brewery
Armed Bank Guard----bank
Salesman----Vulcan Fire Alarms, Commercial Real Estate
Convenience Store Manager----Stocking and Inventory Control
Self Employed----Landlord/Slumlord
Self Employed----Paint Subcontractor
Warehouse Manager----Employee and Inventory Control
U.S. Military----Newspaper Editor, Information Specialist
Not to mention Milk Jugger, Brick Jiggerer, Short Order Cook, Taxicab Driver and Mass Transit Pollster
Residences vary from living under bridges, in abandoned warehouses, in a Chevy Lumina, Buick Electra, Ford ElDorado RV, a dog guest house, a stilt house on top of the Hollywood Hills, several crack motels and a veterans shelter. Currently residing in an undisclosed location in the piney woods of east Texas.

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