Tuesday, March 01, 2011

The Flatulent Chinaman


by James Jarvis
from My Arcology

    Eight hours in Arconia today. It was the usual steady stream of gasaholics, rude drug addicts, unintelligible rummies, rugrats, pocket pirates, disgruntled roadies, angry black Muslims, road warriors, senile old ladies, abusive twits and impatient gas swine, but my work day was pleasantly punctuated by The Flatulent Chinaman.

    The little man in gray sweatpants strode into the store smiling, swinging his arms as if he was marching in a parade and trumpeting loud, baritone farts with each and every step he took.

     Step, braAAAAAAAAAAAck, step, blurWOOOOOORPPTFF, step, bloEEEEEEEERACK, step, brrrOOOOOOOOCKK. These were not shy, hissing farts mind you. These were LOUD, DEEP, "I'm Flatulent and I'm Proud" farts that only someone who has been exposed to the more gregarious cultures can appreciate.

    Happy is the man who can propel himself through life to the tune of his own sphincter, is what I say.

    The other customers turned their heads and pretended they didn't hear the booming butt trumpet. Eddie was behind the counter at the cash register and I had the dubious honor of following the happily backfiring little man into the store from outside where I had been taking a smoke break.

   Just as our musical Petomane sputtered up to the counter, he ended his colonious concerto with a four fart crescendo! The timing was impeccable. It had all the resonance and German gusto of Beethoven.

    Amazing. Stupendous. A Four Star Farting Extravaganza! That such unabashed divestitures of abdominal gas, resounding through the otherwise peaceful Arco much akin to a barrage of 12 gauge shotgun blasts, could come from such a diminutive little fellow such as this happy old fart just flabbergasted me. For a moment, I just froze in my tracks in awe. Then, I applauded, but everyone pretended not to hear that noise too.

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