Box of Crackers On Mulholland Drive

(click pic for Revver flick)

by Jolie Blond

The body was found on state owned land
near the Encino Reservoir
between Farmers Fire Road
and the Mandeville Fire Road.

This is the quiet, wealthy stretch of Mulholland;
the part that turns its back
on industrial Hollywood,
turns its back
on the glutinous and depraved Hollywood Hills
turns and faces
the valley,
blue collar symbol that it once was,
right in it's metaphorical eye.

The corpse was found
only 75 feet
from the northern edge
of Mulholland Drive
in a shallow ravine.

Coyotes, crows, opossum
and other scavengers
had dined on the corpse.
Many scavengers.

It was as if someone had
rung the dinner bell
when the man fell,
or was pushed,
off the shallow embankment
which marks the steep drop-offs
along that stretch of infamous Mulholland.

Strangest of all about the corpse
was the fact that not ALL of the scavenger dinning
had been done post mortem.

Very strange.
Even the most incapacitated accident victim
will rebel
against being eaten alive,
will thrash around enough
to scare off the scavengers,
unless that person is paralyzed
or deeply unconscious . . .
or under the influence
of some really nasty morpheus drug . . .
like heroin.

There was nothing about the 75 foot fall
that would cause paralysis
or that much unconsciousness.
No sharp rocks with blood on them.
No evidence of blunt trauma to the skull.
The man appears to have laid there
and watched the coyotes
rip and tear first at his extremities,
then, having been emboldened by the absence of thrashing
or struggling,
then the ripping at his throat.

Terrible way to go.
You wouldn't wish this
on your worst enemy.

The man's car was found first
by a routine park ranger patrol.
The Lexus was safely parked
in a turnout patch of dirt
next to the narrow two lane drive.

No skid marks.
Headlights off.
Gear in park.
Doors locked.

There was nothing particularly odd about the car
to the ranger . . .
except for the smell.
It was pungent.

The ranger tried to place that smell.
Tried and tried.
It was kind of manurey,
but this was the wrong time of year
for someone to have returned from
visiting his grape orchards
a few hours north of here.

The ranger bent down and smelled the tires.
This caused no end of laughter from his partner,
who kept making cracks like
"Whatsa matter, Bill? You smell a rat?" and
"I know you're looking for promotion, Bill,
but this time you've stooped too low!"

Bill decided there was a decomposing body
in the trunk of the car
and called in the sheriff's department.
This stopped his partner's guffawing.

They marked off the possible crime scene
with road flares
and waited for the parade of law enforcement lookee-loos
they knew would descend upon them
from out of the late night
law enforcement boredom.

The parade came quickly.
In no more than twenty minutes
there were four deputy sheriff cruisers,
two highway patrol cars
and three L.A.P.D. bubbletops
bottlenecking the narrow drive
and the supervisor units were not far behind.

Mulholland Drive
would be the most policed drive
in the city that morning.
Everybody loves the old
Body In The Trunk call
and nobody wants to miss
the Popping of the Trunk show.

One old timer arrived from L.A.P.D.
and immediately announced
"Cat pee! It's cat piss!
Whatcha got here, boys,
is the biggest damned Tom
I ever heard of
taking a whiz
on the roof a this luxury sedan."

"Fellas," the old-timer grinned
with typical law enforcement dark humor,
"Whatcha got here
is a giant feeeeline
that don't like imports!"

No small amount of law enforcement betting
on the outcome of the trunk popping
ensued the old timer's declaration.
The officers stood in a tight semicircle
around the back of the Lexus
as the trunk was being popped.

Light from the patrol car headlights
splayed through their legs
onto the trunk of the Lexus
like crazy, jagged, miniature search lights.
The trunk made a "whoosh" sound
when it popped open,
adding to the magic of the moment.

No body.

Half an hour later,
disappointed,
slightly chagrined
lawmen
were going through the motions
of searching the immediate area,
trying halfheartedly to salvage their motivations
for driving way up, way out here,
on Mulholland Drive,
when finally they found
the body
75 feet away.

There was a terrible different smell
about the corpse.
The rookies assumed
that THIS smell
was the true smell
of death,
but the more experienced cops
knew better.

This was a smell,
bad as it was,
familiar only to the sportsmen
among the law enforcement officers
in the Mulholland throng.

Specifically,
this was a smell vaguely familiar
only to sports fishermen.

Tags: Revver, wormwood, cat urine, chum activator, mystery, L.A.P.D., Mulholland Drive, Hollywood, Arco, gas station, Factotum, viral video, jarvis, marquisdejolie, scavengers, coyote, The Ornamental, The Trickster, Brother Crow, animal spirit guide, Mandeville, corpse, investigation, Jolie Blond