Shitweasel Smells in My Crack Motel Room

by Jolie Blond
04/04/01

Every once in a while
as I'm sitting here
in my crack motel room
typing on my Mac,
a waft of shitweasel odor hits my nose.
I jump up.
Turn around quickly,
knocking my chair over.
Smells like an evil spirit in here,
a malodorous visitation
from the land of the dead.

No, no one is there.
I ask the motel manager,
whose kitchen wall we share,
if he's cookin' cabbage.
Smells a little
like collard greens and chitlins in my room, I explain.
No, he's not cookin'.

I sniff my armpits.
No. No worse than usual.
The smell retreats,
skulking back into the walls
or into another dimension
or some such place
where evil skankmonster smells go.

I sit and type,
trying to reorganize my trains of thought.
Oh, yeah. Ok. I got it. I start typing.
No. Wait. There it is again.
That horrible, funky, shitweasel smell.
What the f*k is that smell?

I jump up,
knocking my chair over again.
I go outside,
sniffing at the air.
I ask the angry Haitian's wife in 117
what's for dinner,
but she denies
she's got anything on the stove.

A thousand flies
are swarming the Cabbage Patch whore's
outdoor toilet
under the stairs
in front of Lucy and Ricky Retardo's room,
but there's no odor there.
I come back to my room.
It's gone.

Just to play it safe,
I brush my teeth and gargle.
I change my underwear
and pour baby powder down my fresh drawers.
I run vinegar through the garbage disposal
and ammonia down the shower drain.
I spray disinfectant behind the refrigerator
and onto my sleeping couch.

One of the signs of a brain tumor
is smelling shit that isn't there.
I feel my head for unusual lumps.
Nothing there.

Twenty years ago
I read about a man
who walked into an Ohio police station
with a coathanger
sticking out of a hole in his head.

He'd used an eighth inch power drill
to drill the hole into his head.
He'd been probing around in his skull
with the coathanger
searching for his brain.
He couldn't find it
and wanted police assistance
with the investigation.

Thank God
I don't own a power drill.

Tags: music video, viral video, funny videos, PhUsIoN, poetry, poems, spoken word, urban prose, shitweasel, evil spirits, malodorous visitation, ghost, land of the dead, collard greens and chitlins, skankmonster, Pi, Flixya, YouTube, James Jarvis