TOURISTS PAY TO BE HOMELESS FOR A DAY

(click pic for CNN.com story)
Back in 99 when I was homeless in L.A. (before I moved into the homeless veterans shelter) , I thought of organizing a tour of homelessness for the tourists who were disappointed with the Hollywood facades they'd come to see. For a small fee, I would guide them to the underbelly of L.A. which I had come to know so well. I couldn't get any Tour Guide companies interested in it. From the story above, I see that the idea seems to have caught on in Europe, though.

Here was my L.A. homelessness tour package:

Suburban Nomad Safaris, Inc. presents
Subculture Tours You Can’t Take Your Kids On
$250 one on one 29.95 group rate

1. The Food Circut Tours:

•Breakfast Bars Where You Can Start Drinking at 6 a.m.

•Stand In Line With the Homeless At The Food Banks

•Eat With The Homeless At Soup Kitchens

•24 Hour Burger Joints Where You Can Get Mugged
(true mugging stories included, mugging extra)

•Picnics In The Parks With The Resident Winos & Crackheads
(Play 'Find The Discarded Crack Pipes')

•Play Chess With Homeless Winos At The 24 Hour Donut Shops

•Open Air Produce Markets Where The Homeless Graze
(Farmer's Market on Fairfax, Downtown Farmer's Market,
San Pedro's Fisherman's Wharf, Chung’s Vietnamese Fruiteria)

2. The Motel/Hotel Circut Tours

•Stay In The Worst Motel In L.A.
(Hollycrest or Sunset Pacific--comes with 45 minute briefing and next day check-up to make sure they're still alive--chances of seeing deputy sheriffs rousting a Strawberry pretty good, walking tour included)

•Boarding House Tour (motels with no toilet in the rooms, Youth Hostels, Travellers' Inn)

•Tour of the 10 Worst Motels With True Anecdotes About Each
(includes crack whore spotting)

•Tour of Downtown Vagrant Hotels
(includes crack dealer spotting)

3. The Safety Net Tours

•Tour of the Free Clinics
(meet homeless people, chat with them in line)

•Tour of General Relief Office
(meet homeless people trying to get $271 a month, chat in lobby)

•Take A Free Shower With the Homeless
(Santa Monica Pier and public restrooms on beaches, best service
station restrooms to bathe in, including instructions on how to sponge bathe!)

4. The Free Shelter Tours

•Tour of Bridge Overpasses, Alleys, Parking Lots, and Public Parks
Where Homeless People Live
(includes the spot where the homeless woman was shot and killed for
suspected shopping cart theft on LaBrea)

•Tour of Downtown's Cardboard City & The Greyhound Bus Terminal

•Tour of Institutional Homeless Shelters such as the three VA dorms,
the People Assisting The Homeless (P.A.T.H.) warehouses,
Bible Tabernacle (where homeless guys get a dirt floor and WWI army cots), and
The Bible Tabernacle Work Farm (have to chop wood for your macaroni dinner)

•Tour of the old NEST hippie commune site by the founding member with stories

*Clients must rent their own cars (Rent A Dent suggested) and sign an indemnity waiver stating that if they get hurt, it's their own damned fault.

5. Survivor, The Streets of L.A. Contest

•10 middle or upper class men and women are dropped on the streets to live; sleezy crack motels, food lines, etc. meet at the homeless counsel where they would be challenged to eat food out of garbage cans, collect change at the 7-11, etc. per the street smarts they got from the street tours, then each night they vote another contestant back off the street. Contestants who get arrested or hospitalized are automatically disqualified. Winner gets free Tuberculosis testing at the free clinic and first consideration for a job as a callgirl driver.

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